Life (and Death)

I was just in the middle of taking a bite of my bagel when Mom called yesterday afternoon.

"Hi?" she spoke tenuously.
"Yeah mom?"
"Have you heard?"
"What?" I was impatient. Tired. Ready to leave work.
"... I have bad news."

I knew where this was going. Unable to finish chewing, the tears started welling up and that was that. Through fitful sobs, I spat half eaten chunks of bagel into a napkin and nearly choked myself.

I was going to see her tonight. My flight leaves soon, and I should've been there. I was supposed to see her at least one more time and spend this holiday with her which is the most frustrating part of it all--the lack of a proper goodbye, you know? It was so close! It pains me to think about it. The last goodbye was hurried over the phone because I couldn't stand to hear the sound of her fragile voice and that calm, morphine-induced state of unaware bliss.

While I was looking forward to returning yesterday before hearing the news, today I am fearful. I have never felt so anxious about doing anything in my life. As I picked at my lunch earlier today with friends nearby, laughing at the appropriate times, smiling at the appropriate times, and just trying to hold myself together and maintain a semblance of normalcy (a table of stressed out guys probably isn't the best place in which to be a crier), all I could think about was the impending goodbye I'd have with them, and how I'd be thrown back into the wild to face this on my own. We can only escape the feeling of loss and sadness in the company of others for so long. Eventually, we have to retreat into ourselves and process--alone.

So, I prepare myself now for the solitary one hour trip to the airport, the solitary one hour wait at the airport, and the solitary two-hour flight home, and whatever other solitary moments I have between now and when I run into Mom's arms. Nervous, anxious, and.. well, sad above everything else.



My grandmother passed away yesterday morning. We were emotionally prepared. It had been a two year battle with cancer that has been painful to watch. What more is there to say? We all experience loss, and there isn't anything to say really. Just give me a hug. It will just take time.